Ever dance the tango?

For novices, it can intimidate with its seemingly complicated precision and timing that moves a couple in a graceful but formal and crisp flow around a dance floor. It only takes one lesson, however, to learn the basic steps. It takes lots of practice to become great at the tango, but only 30 or so minutes to learn enough to survive it.

Two things I know about how to make the tango look good: One, the male lead must provide a strong upper-body frame, especially with his right arm. Two, the couple takes the basic steps belly-to-belly.

If we want to succeed regardless of the external circumstances around us, we can learn a few things from the tango, because the tango is all about a creating a relationship — a connection — that achieves its objective (grace, style, pizzazz, all within a prescribed structure).

It starts with support, a strong frame. In other words, how are you supporting the people who are important to you (friends, family, co-workers, customers, et al)? Do you give them something they can hold tightly and with confidence? Do you lead with authority and confidence? Do you move them without aggressive force or pressure?

Next, it requires closeness. You might not want to be belly-to-belly with everyone in your life, but you want to create trust and appropriate levels of transparency. You want to be approachable, even in more formal relationships. You want to connect in non-physical ways.

Creating and caring for the connections in your life prepares you for success regardless of the circumstances that come your way. I cover more of the basics for doing that in Up, Down, or Sideways, because I’ve learned that the basic steps become the foundation for a truly remarkable dance.

Do you know anybody who could benefit from “dance lessons” when it comes to making and  keeping connections? How well do the people on your team do with customers and vendors? With each other? And do you have any room for improvement?

This blog is based on content in my latest book, Up, Down, Or Sideways. It is available wherever you buy great books. Click here to learn more about the book or click here to order it from Amazon.com.

I’m fortunate to have met and become friends with many excellent communicators. Jon Gordon is an example. Like me, Jon writes short books. He and I both know that in this time compressed age, people don’t always have time to read long tomes. Jon’s latest book, among many (his titles take up most of a shelf at many Barnes & Nobles) is The Seed. In fictionalized story, Jon relates principles that can help each of us find purpose and meaning in what we do. I asked Jon to share the following guest blog that you can use to be a positive leader:

In a world filled with busyness and stress I find that too often leaders can act like hard-charging, fast-driving bus drivers that have a vision and goal within their sights and they’ll run over anyone – even their own employees – to reach their destination. I know this well because early in my business career I was that kind of leader and I have had to work hard to change my approach.

I realized that any hard-charging leader can create success in the short term, but it would take a positive leader with a people and process-driven approach to build a successful organization for the long term.

As John Maxwell said, “If you are all alone at the top, you are not a leader. You are a hiker.”

No one creates success alone. To win in business, you must win with people. Running over people will only get you so far. To create true and lasting success you must nurture and invest in your people. Here are 3 essential ways to do this.

Care about them - The main question every employee in every organization is asking is, “Do you care about me; can I trust you?” Employees want to know if you care about them. If you do, they will be more likely to stay on the bus and work with you. Employees are more engaged at work and will work at their highest potential when their manager cares about them.

Develop a relationship with them - Author Andy Stanley once said, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.” Far too many managers and leaders share rules with their people, but they don’t have a relationship with them. So what happens? The people rebel, and they disengage from their jobs and the mission of the team. I’ve had many managers approach me and tell me that my books helped them realize they needed to focus less on rules and invest more in their work relationships. The result was a dramatic increase in team performance and productivity. To develop a relationship with your employees, you need to build trust, listen to them, make time for them, recognize them and mentor them.

Appreciate them - The main reason why people leave their jobs is because they don’t feel appreciated. For example, Doug Conant, the CEO of Campbell Soup, has written more than 16,000 thank-you notes to employees in the past seven years and created a very positive business in the process. It’s as easy as saying (or writing) “Thank you.”

It’s a simple truth: When you care about your employees and the people you work with, they are more likely to stay on the bus and work harder, with more loyalty and greater positive energy. In turn, they are more likely to share their positive energy with your customers, thus enhancing service and the bottom line. The greatest customer-service strategy has nothing to do with customer service, but it has everything to do with how you treat your employees. If you model great service, they will provide great service.

Remember, leadership is not just about what you do, but what you can inspire, encourage and empower others to do. Instead of running over the people in your team/organization, invite them on the bus with you and engage them to help you create an amazing and successful ride.

This post is a guest post article from Jon Gordon. Jon is the bestselling author of multiple books including his latest release, The Seed: Finding Purpose and Happiness in Life and Work. Click here to learn more and to access several complimentary resources.

My long time friend Anthony Braswell shared the following Fred-sighting with me:

One of my all-time favorite restaurants to visit each week is our local Jason’s Deli.  It’s convenient, but that’s not why I go.

It’s really good, but that’s not the only reason why I go.  They also have free ice cream!

And I go because of the Fred Factor!

I wish I could introduce you to my friend, House Mouse.  That’s what her Jason’s Deli employee nametag says.  She is the reason I keep going back!  She might not be the “typical” customer service employee. She’s got tattoos.  You don’t have to wonder what her favorite sports team is because she has Tarheels tattooed on her arm!  God help you if you are wearing a Duke shirt! But she does possess the spirit of Fred. She does an ordinary job in an extraordinary way!

She greets every person with a handshake and if you are a frequent guest like I am. Sometimes she even gives you a hug!  She remembers my name, what I want and if I try to order something that isn’t their specialty, she playfully refuses to let me order it.  “The best for my friends!” she says!  I often bring friends with me and she’ll tell them, “Wow!  You keep great company!  This is a great guy that you are hanging out with today!” She understands how to make people feel special and create value for every customer.

I took time recently to share how awesome House Mouse is with her boss.  I let him know that she was the reason that I ate there so often and used their restaurant as a place for meetings. The manager let me know after that meeting that she was getting a raise.

Her words to me were, “Thanks so for making that happen!”

My response to her was, “I just reminded your boss of what he already knew!”

Thanks, Anthony, for sharing your Fred sighting.

Every day we interact with dozens of people. Often those interactions are fleeting and unmemorable. Freds, however, don’t use people as a means to an end; they use relationships to build a foundation for success. They understand that all outcomes are created by and through interactions with others. So they become students of social psychology. They understand that strong relationships create loyalty and are the basis of partnerships and teamwork. The best Freds build networks to develop distribution channels for their talents, and they strive to work well with others, whether one-on-one with a customer or in a team with colleagues.

Remember that the quality of a relationship is related directly to the amount of time invested in it. Make sure you give some of your best time to your relationships.

The Seven Bs of Relationship Building

In today’s technology-driven world, relationship building might be considered a lost art form. Most of us have never been taught how to go about building relationships with others. Whatever we’ve learned, we’ve picked up through observation of role models rather than from conscious learning.

We were lucky if we had good role models when we were growing up and not so lucky if we didn’t.

Do you want to improve your relationships at home and at work? The following principles will definitely help.

1. Be real. Besides his extraordinary customer focus, Fred the Postman was so inspiring because of his uniqueness. He was who he was. I never got the sense Fred was trying to impress me by being anybody but himself.

This is the direct opposite of the prevailing wisdom in our culture today, which is “fake it until you make it.” The intent is to become who you want to be by acting as if you are already that person. The only problem with that strategy is that you’re a fake!

Try this alternative: Always do your best at being yourself. Sure, you should aim to improve, try new things, and add value. But let these actions come out of who you really are, what you truly believe in, and the things you are committed to.

The prerequisite for relationship building is trust. At its most basic level, trust is built on believing that someone is who he represents himself to be.

2. Be interested (not just interesting). It may be true that interesting people attract attention, but I believe interested people attract appreciation.

When I first met Fred, he quickly introduced himself, but the focus was on how he could best help me meet my needs. I instantly liked Fred because he showed a genuine interest in me, not because he was interesting (although I’ve learned over time that he certainly is). If Fred had spent time telling me what a great mailman he was, the outcome would have been different.

People are flattered when you express an interest in getting to know them better, not out of morbid curiosity, but in an effort to help or serve them more effectively. Appreciating the people we serve, I believe, increases the value of our service to them.

3. Be a better listener. When you take an interest in and listen to people, they provide important practical information you can use to create value. For instance, listen carefully to your boss, and you might learn that he or she hates to read long memos. You now know that you can improve your working relationship by providing a brief summary. Or at lunch ask a client about her family. You may learn that her fourteen-year-old son has a hobby that one of your children enjoys. Offering to exchange information about that shared interest will add both value and depth to this relationship.

People are flattered when you make an effort to get to know them and seek information on how to serve them better. Understanding and appreciating what they want increases the value of what you can provide for them.

4. Be empathic. If you’re interested in others and make the effort to truly know them by listening, you’ll better understand how they feel. This is empathy. The need to be understood is one of the highest human needs, but too often people who know us either don’t care or don’t make the effort to understand how we really feel.

Two thousand years ago a wise man named Philo Judaeus said, “Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.” Not much has changed since. His counsel is the essence of practical empathy.

5. Be honest. I summarize all business strategy into this simple idea: Say what you’ll do, and do what you say. In other words, make no promises you can’t keep. Don’t create expectations you can’t fulfill. Avoid overrepresenting and overpromising. Be a man, woman, or organization of your word. That’s integrity.

6. Be helpful. Little things make a big difference. Lots of small things cumulatively make a huge difference.

Years ago my friend Ken taught me a neat way to be of service to strangers. If I see one person in a group taking a picture of all the others, I offer to snap the picture so everybody can be included.

Even holding a door open is an indication of Fred-like behavior. So remember your manners, and people will remember you.

7. Be prompt. Time is the one thing many people have far less of than money. Helping them save time by being prompt and efficient is a gift of great value.

Beyond Interactions

Here’s a test: What percentage of your interactions with others is transactional as opposed to relational?

Transactional interactions focus primarily on results, sometimes even at the cost of relationships. People who value results over relationships are often called “direct.” That means they go directly for the outcome, making others feel devalued and even used.

Relational interactions recognize the importance of how people are treated in the process of achieving results. This type of interaction doesn’t ignore the outcome, but it does recognize that the means are an important part of the end. Fred the postman was living proof that how you deliver the mail affects how people feel about the outcome.

Not every interaction needs to be relational. Sometimes a lack of time or the situation just doesn’t allow it. For example, in an emergency or crisis, getting people to safely evacuate a burning building may require harsh, direct instructions.

Jimmy Buffett once said (and I paraphrase): It takes just about the same amount of time to be a nice guy as it does to be a jerk.

More often than not, you and I can be more Fred-like by taking time to focus on the relational aspect of our interactions. It doesn’t take much extra time or effort to be interested and demonstrate the value we have for others, especially those on whom we depend for mutual success.

And that is the essence of building relationships, whether business or personal.

For more information and resources, go to www.fredfactor.com

We all know that appearances can be deceiving but we don’t always remember it.

I sat down at a brewpub to sample some craft beer. Several seats down was a huge individual with a Mohawk and long beard. My initial thought was that he might be a biker. He was the kind of person you’d quietly tell your kids not to stare at to avoid any touchy situations.

I asked the bartender for a sample of beer that wasn’t available in a taster. I’d have to buy a full pint to try it. I ordered something else.

A few minutes later the large patron down from me ordered the beer I wanted to taste. When it arrived he slid it my way and said,  ”Would you like to taste it?”

I was a bit taken back but instantly appreciative of the gesture. I tried the beer and that started a conversation that lasted for 45 minutes. My new friend turned out to be a beer connoisseur and a most interesting and delightful person. His appearance belied his soft-spoken and kind personality.

It was for me a dramatic reminder of the assumptions and judgments we make. Getting through life safely requires discernment based on general experience. While mostly a good thing, there are times when it prevents us from developing relationships and discovering insights about others.

As leaders we need to judge people and assess situations to make good decisions. At the same time we’re better served to look again at the people we meet and work with and dig a little deeper so that we can judge wisely.

Appearances can indeed deceive. Rather than assuming the worst–or even the typical–dig a little deeper to understand the people you encounter every day.

My long time friend Tommy Spaulding is one of the best networked people I know. He’s written a new book that today hit #2 on the Wall Street Journal and #1 on USA Today money and business bestseller lists. In It’s Not Just Who You Know he explains the power of relationship building and offers his insights from his many business undertakings and experiences. Here is an excerpt I think you’ll enjoy:

I know thousands of people, and many of them wield tremendous influence. If life and business were all about “who you know,” then I’d be set. But none of those relationships took on extraordinary value unless I approached them with the idea that they mattered for something above and beyond the transaction.

I think of relationships in terms of a five-floor building. The deeper and more meaningful a relationship, the higher the floor it resides on. Let me be clear—relationships seldom fit neatly into a box (or a building). They’re far too dynamic. Some overlap on different floors, and others seem to move up and down floors like an elevator. But the Five Floor plan helps give me a reference point and allows me to think about the boundaries that define my relationships, so that I can continually work to make them stronger and more rewarding.

Most relationships start on the First Floor. We meet and we greet. We exchange business cards. It typically involves a transactional exchange. We need something specific from the other person—an airline ticket, or lunch, or help with a question. After we get what we want, we move on.

In Third Floor relationships, people develop an emotional comfort level that goes beyond facts and information. Instead of resting on NSW—news, sports, and weather—conversations, we begin sharing opinions and feelings. In business, positional authority is the primary guiding force in Third Floor relationships. Our position at work requires us to say what we think, rather than just present data, because our opinions can help shape decisions.

Fifth Floor relationships—the Penthouse of relationships—go well beyond anything discussed in Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People. In Fifth Floor relationships, vulnerability, authenticity, trust, and loyalty are off the charts. They are relationships based on a shared empathy—an intuitive understanding of each other’s needs, even those that aren’t necessarily expressed. It’s a relationship based more on giving than on getting. In Fifth Floor relationships, we become confidants, advisers, and partners in helping the other person achieve their greatest potential.

But how do you do it, you might ask. How do you grow a relationship from the First Floor to the Second Floor? Or the Third Floor? Or the Fifth Floor? For many people, of course, therein lies the big, brick wall with no obvious doors or windows. The answer? Relentless communication.

But what can you do to distinguish yourself from the crowd? How can you practice relentless communication? What can you do when starting new relationships? What can you do to keep your existing relationships healthy? What are you doing for your co-workers? Your clients? Your customers?

Relentless communication is an intentional practice. It’s playing offense, not just sitting back and playing defense. It’s not something that just happens—you have to make it happen.

If you want to relentlessly communicate, there’s nothing wrong with cell phones and e-mails. I send and receive more than a hundred text messages and e-mails every day. I’m the poster boy for “Crackberry” addiction. But sometimes it’s the personal touches that set you apart from others and create the greatest opportunities for lasting relationships.

Handwritten notes, of course, are just one form of relentless communication. I have a friend in Minnesota who puts American flags in the yards of his clients every year on the Fourth of July. Another friend gives pumpkins to each of his clients on Halloween. They call and stop by as well, but these things in particular set them apart. They give people in the community a reason to think of them and smile.

I think of communication in terms of its impact. There is a hierarchy. A text is nice, but an e-mail is better. And a phone call is better still. Sometimes, however, a handwritten note is even better. A gift with a handwritten note is special. But hand-delivering a note along with a gift is the best. All of these things—all of this relentless communication—shows that you care, that you want to continue to build and grow the relationship. In most cases it leads to the thing you want next—face-to-face time with the person you want or need to know.

If you want to create and nurture relationships in your life, make an investment in relentless communication. You don’t have to send twenty handwritten notes a week, but why not send five? Or find other ways to uniquely express your thanks to the people you know—a flag on the Fourth of July. Make this a part of your life, something that you can make part of your relational DNA. When you do it, people will think of you and smile. And they’ll want to know you better. And that’s the heart of any relationship.

Adapted from It’s Not Just Who You Know by Tommy Spaulding © 2010 Thomas J. Spaulding Jr. Reprinted by permission of Broadway Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group.

What is the source of all wealth?

Ideas.

All innovation, improvement and increase begin in the mind with a good idea.

Broke is about a lack of ideas, not a lack of money. A lack of money can be solved with one good idea.

A relationship can be rejuvenated with the right idea.

Health can be restored with a new idea.

Ray Bradbury, the legendary sci-fi and fantasy author, said the key to his success was a voluminous diet of ideas. He immersed himself in experiences and his environment in an effort to fuel his intellectual fire.

While ideas are the source of wealth, they’re not the end.

Effort is what takes an idea from an abstract concept to a concrete reality.

Bardbury immersed himself in the source of wealth but then he acted. He wrote. Consistently.

Ideas without application are impotent.

Where are you getting your ideas from?

And what are you doing with the good ideas you have?

This is the first in a series of guest blogs I’m calling the “Specialist Series.” I’ve asked some of the brightest people and freshest thinkers to share their expertise on the work they do that is of interest to my readers.

My guest blogger this month is Mary LoVerde, a speaker, author and personal coach on life balance and creating connection. One word I think describes Mary is “vivacious.” Her eyes sparkle, her conversation is uplifting and she continually expresses appreciation for the journey she is taking. She has a background in healthcare but the course of her life changed when she began re-examining her priorities and living her true calling. Like the best experts, she speaks about what she has learned from life experience and practice.

In addition to her work she is a competitive ballroom dancer. She is the mother of three terrific children and has been a long-time and dear friend to Darla and me. I’m pleased she is kicking off this series.

I wanted Mary’s insights because I’ve always been a bit skeptical about life balance as it is traditionally advocated and presented. Mary brings a fresh perspective to a common topic.

Are people still interested in life balance or are the really pursuing something different?

People are more interested than ever before in finding a balance, but in a new way.  In the last decade the idea of work life balance was to get “it” all done.  But of course, many of us have learned the hard way that no one ever gets it all done, though many people literally die trying. I am not against the wonderful strategies of managing, organizing, delegating, prioritizing and simplifying.  Everyone needs to use these.  But I believe that if these strategies were going to balance our lives, they should have worked by now. We are all busier and more stressed as ever.  We do need a new approach to the problem.

So how do you define life balance?

I’ve researched the answer to this question for over 20 years.  My answer boils done to three words:  Connection creates balance. That means connection with yourself, your family, friends, clients, co-workers, the strangers you meet, your community and your God. When we get stressed or feel out of balance it is because we have become disconnected from something that is important to us.  Many of our strategies- for example, going faster or doing two things at once, actually disconnect us.  The old life balance question was, “What do I need to do?”  The answer is a long overwhelming list that often paralyzes us.  The new life balance question is, “With whom shall I connect?”  Sometimes it will be yourself and you shut off the light and go get a good night’s sleep.  Sometimes it will be work, as you pour yourself into an important project. Other times it will be going to the school play, calling a friend to get some good advice or sitting in front of the fire with your spouse and a glass of wine at the end of the day. There is no need to feel guilty for not doing something else.  You are doing exactly what you should be- connecting to keep your balance.

What role does connection play in your work?

Connection is obviously an important business strategy.  Right now, of course, everyone is concerned about the economy.  The concern is justified, but here is what we historically know:  Business comes back.  It’s a cycle and prosperity opportunities return.  We also know historically what may not come back if we do not pay attention to what is really important in our lives:  our health, our marriages/partnerships, our children’s sense of security and our other important relationships.  We like to divide our lives into work and home but the laws of the Universe pay no attention to that division.  If you want to be ready for the economic comeback you need to do what is necessary to stay whole and connected to the reasons why you work in the first place.

What keeps people from connecting?

They have the wrong definition of how to stay in balance. We are rewarded for being overscheduled and overwhelmed.  The more miserable we can make ourselves through sleep deprivation, lack of exercise and a healthy diet,  the more we convince ourselves we are getting closer to balance.  But the benefits of this approach are short-lived.  People need specific strategies, such as pause rituals, innovative ways to connect with their elders, plans on how to keep the romance alive in their relationships, or tapping into what they are passionate about. etc.  We need to shift from the to-do list- which is helpful to organize our thinking- and real connection- which makes our lives richer and more productive.

How would you suggest someone go about improving the quality of his or her life and connections?

Adopt a new motto, “When you can’t keep up: connect.”

Then ask the new question: With whom should I connect? Really listen to the answer.  I offer a free internet show each week with specific ideas on how to stay connected with what is really important.

Go to www.thewinonline.com and find my 3 minute videos on specific strategies.  Or go to www.MaryLoVerde.com.  Or log onto Amazon.com for a listing of my books on innovative ways to stay connected.

As I’ve worked with clients I’ve noticed a shortage of empathy that I believe to be global in nature. We all, it seems, face so many problems and challenges personally that when someone in our professional life needs empathy, we often feel like telling them, “Problems? You think YOU have problems?  You should see MY problems!”

Empathy is the ability to understand how someone feels without necessarily feeling the same way. These days it is likely easier to experience sympathy. That’s when we do feel the same way as someone else. The problem, however, is in appropriately expressing either (sympathy or empathy).

The cold harsh truth: other people aren’t too concerned with our problems. They bring us their problems–as customers, colleagues or friends–because they believe we can help. It takes discipline to remember that helping is our first duty, not commiserating or complaining. It sometimes goes against our natural inclinations to be of service when we feel we need as much or more help ourselves.

William George Jordan warned about syndicating our sorrows by sharing them with others. There are people in our lives we can and should be open and candid with. But customers and colleagues coming to us for help aren’t on that short list. We can build rapport by admitting that we face challenges too, but the focus should always be on those we serve rather than ourselves.

Life isn’t always fair, of that I’m certain. The professional, whether a leader or service rep or healthcare provider or consultant or whomever, is able to understand and express that understanding because he or she chooses to do so, whether or not they feel like doing so. That’s the only way to end the empathy crisis.

After a weekend of getting together with friends to share food and drink, I am reminded at how wonderful it is to converse and how little we seemingly get to do it. We talk all day, but conversation? That is a different activity.

Good conversation can be structured but unstructured conversation can be just as rewarding. The biggest barrier to conversing is the constraint of time. Often we’re in a hurry to get on to another meeting or event, so we compress our interactions in either the superficial or the utilitarian.

As important as goals and objectives can be, we all need to make time to converse, first with family members and friends and then with colleagues and customers. We discover new things about those we converse with and the world we share, and we demonstrate how much we value those we converse with by sharing our most limited resource of time.

We could all benefit from the revival of conversation.